Trying again...

Wow. I can't believe that it has been a year sense I started this lame blog. I guess that I really am not very good at this.

I would like to get better at it, however, so lets give it another go, shall we?!?

How about a photo...

Isn't he the cutest!!! This is Ethan, my sweet, spirited seven year old. More on him another day.

I am not sure if I will keep up with this blog, or what I will do with it. It may just be my own private journal. Or maybe I will try to make it into something more. My family has been through a lot over the last year. Who am I kidding, its been at least 5 years. I was sitting in church today during our "time of silence". The church we have been going to for the last year has a 5 minute silent time in the middle of the service. While I dreaded it at first, I now am finding it is a good time for me to attempt to focus and pray. So today, I was praying for the little boy pictured above, and how it has been so difficult the last month, and how every decision I/we make is so difficult and unsure. I feel like this has been the case for all of my adult life. In the last 3 years, I have made significant career changes that have all been huge decisions that even now I still feel unsure about. We have been through 3 years of navigating the mental health system and trying to do what is best for Ethan. Over the last 3 years, my marriage has almost fallen apart more than once, but both of us are determined to make it work. I want to have some easy decisions. I want to wake up some day and have the information I need to make some of these decisions come to me by e-mail. Does God have e-mail??? Maybe a fortune cookie could help. Maybe I should just flip a coin.

One of my problems is that once I decide, I still doubt and internally debate and question. Then, like tonight, my stomach churns and tightens and heart flutters (not in a good way) and I make my way to the medicine cabinet for a bit of help so that I can eventually fall asleep.

Tomorrow will be another day, and other hundred decisions. Some will be automatic, some will take effort, and some will probably have me up late again tomorrow. But maybe tomorrow will be the day God figures out how to use his e-mail.